I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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