my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
