Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize