Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
