sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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