Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
