A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
