tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
