well you can't waste a boner
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
