i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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