I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
