This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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