i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
