Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
