my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize