I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
