IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
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I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
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I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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