if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
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i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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