She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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