I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
