her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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