Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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