My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
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