Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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