This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
