be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
and you fell through a lawn chair
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
