i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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