Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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