I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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