I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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