sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
