I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
