yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
