Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
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One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
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It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.