we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
How drunk are you?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.