Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night