Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
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Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
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Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far