you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
