Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Randomize
