I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
