So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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