we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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