Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
me + whiskey = a bad person
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
