It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.