I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
