You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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