Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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