sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
