He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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