So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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