Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
