Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
