i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
