People with herpes should wear stickers.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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