the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Someone shit on the floor
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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