Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
