I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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