I wannas sexs uuuuu
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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